Say No To Others and Yes To Yourself | Setting Boundaries

Fracturing relationships is always the main concern when people think of setting boundaries. “Will this person no longer love me?” or “Will they ever talk to me again?” are some of the common thoughts that go through our head when in the process of setting a boundary. And oftentimes, these thoughts can be discouraging and even paralyzing to the individual who wants to create the boundary in the first place. However, boundaries are more so about the individual opposed to their audience. The questions above are anxiety-filled and aren’t based on facts or truth. 

“Boundaries fall onto a spectrum, and this spectrum is based on a tolerance level. What you’re willing to tolerate will vary based on people, places and things. The nouns in your life.” - Nia Brown, So You Wanna Be An Adult? (Digital Copy)

Essentially, boundaries work as a “Cheat Sheet” to show others how to treat you, and if you don’t establish them, you’ll have zero control over how you’re treated. They also operate as a form of self-love, intended to protect you from physical, verbal, spiritual and emotional harm. So why do so many of us feel guilty when it’s time to enforce boundaries? 

As mentioned earlier, the anxiety and thoughts of potentially destroying a valuable relationship can seem like too much to carry for some people. So individuals often avoid setting them, inadvertently rupturing the relationship they wanted to salvage with their silence. 

Think of this silence as a soda can and the avoidance as a vacuum chamber. The tighter the vacuum chamber becomes, more and more pressure is building within the soda can until it eventually pops! 

Humans too have their breaking point, so it’s important to identify what your triggers are and how to set boundaries to avoid any of your own mini explosions. 

The little voice you hear in the back of your head when something makes you uncomfortable is your inner voice nudging you that something has occurred that has disrupted your peace. It’s up to you, to use your outer voice and to stand up for yourself so that you are heard, respected and understood. 

How Can I Say No?

Easy, NO.

We sometimes have a habit of telling ourselves negative things or creating ridiculous negative scenarios in our heads about anticipated conversations or interactions that enforce boundaries, that we decide to avoid confronting the situation all together. When we do this, we’re saying “no,” but to ourselves. We’re subconsciously programming our minds to prioritize the feelings of others before processing our own.

Ask yourself questions as to why you’re saying no. Does it make logical sense? Are you hurting yourself by saying no? And what are the consequences of saying no? Only you will have the answers.

When setting boundaries, there’s only one person that matters, YOU! These are your non-negotiables that are required in every relationship whether romantic, familial, professional, or friendships.